Parting is such...a mess

Its my last week at work. Two days down, three more to go. It is bittersweet to leave Safe Families. I will miss my clients and the volunteers. I am, however, excited to see what happens and where I go from here. I feel almost schizophrenic, or like I have a split personality. I switch from feeling confident about my decision to wanting to reverse and take back everything I said and did. And I go back and forth all day.

There is a small part of me that is freaking out on the inside. So many thoughts and doubts race through my mind all day long. Did I do the right thing? Will I be able to get a job soon after I finish at Safe Families? Was this really what God wanted me to do? Was this really what I wanted to do? Is it okay to leave a job (with good benefits) when I don't have a definite plan? I have peace, but also turmoil. I trust God to provide, but am afraid of how He will provide. It might be uncomfortable and I don't want that. This whole process has shown me how much pride and selfishness still rule my heart.

Leaving and saying goodbye is good and right, but very difficult. My personality naturally shies away from confrontation or anything that is not easy to handle. I automatically feel responsible for other people's reactions.

The thing I dread the most about leaving my job, or leaving anything, is actually closing that part of my life and moving on. Closure can be so permanent. Telling the volunteers and my clients that I am leaving and will never talk to them again has been the most difficult thing about leaving. Not because I am heart broken, but because it is not easy to say goodbye. I am not sure of their reaction or what they will think.To a certain degree, I feel like I am abandoning my clients. I felt a similar way when it was time to leave India and go back home. I wanted to promise the kids I would be back and I really hoped to return one day, but what good is a promise when you cannot honor it? I want my clients to know that although people come and go in their lives, God is ever present and never forsakes.

But, with closure to one part of life, comes a chance to start a new part. I see potential in my future to really move forward with missions and further involvement in the fight against sex trafficking, whether state side or abroad. With this new chapter starting, I have time to focus on furthering my education and having time to minister at my church. I have wanted to get more involved and now I have that opportunity. I think God is also using this time to grow me and prepare for future endeavors where I will have to go out of my comfort zone and do what is right, what needs to be done.

My Sweet Refuge

Below are the lyrics to a song "Dear Refuge of my Weary Soul". I sang this a few times at church, my sister too. I think often of this song. The words communicate so well how I feel at times when there is so much hurt around me and in my life. 

1. Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel

2. But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

3. Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner’s prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

4. Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet,
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet